i miss the day when i was happy
i miss the day i was happy
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dickens’ book
without google, i wouldn’t know that it’s charles dickens’ 200th b-day today. the first of dickens’ novel i read was the great expectations. i love reading novels and i find great joy from doing it. this novel in particular, oh boy, is something memorable, not in the way that i want.
it was the first time i felt ‘tired’ reading a novel. it is lengthy, yes, but it’s not why. how the story develops takes time to progress. quite some time. i painstakingly finished it, though.
when the novel was adapted to a movie [with ethan hawk & gywneth in it], one question i was asked a lot was “was it in the book?” it refers to the line in the teaser, aka marketing promotion of the movie, and the line is “this is my heart and it’s broken”
such a powerful and heartbreaking to hear, right? i guess this line might be quite influential in bringing people to a movie theater. to answer my friend’s question, no – this line isn’t in the book, unfortunately. if it were, the book would give me more incentive to read on.
which dickens’ books have you read? how do you like it?
acceptance and talk about liverpool FA cup match
agger scored against man united in FA Cup. image from the Guardian
it’s difficult for me to accept myself for i usually feel inadequate. my bad habit to regularly compare me to others. that’s why i am not quite thrilled about reunion.
there are things i want in life, but when i finally get them, it doesn’t feel fulfilling. things don’t make up for emotional crater.
done with gibberish foolish piece, i feel so joy w/ liverpool beating man united in FA cup. i have doubt [don’t we all] about how the team is going. still can’t justify the existence of carroll in the team. a goal came from a defender, do we need a striker then? still think the only thing amazing about henderson is his hair not falling out of place after 90-minute run. still can’t read uncle ken’s mind as to why he did what he did.
but all’s well that ends well, right? carroll seemed more involved in the game, coming into more contact of the ball. and henderson…well, his hair still looked good. in the end, though, we beat the opponent and advances to the next round.
i will settle with them winning something, anything this season. always support the team but need to rant from time to time.
family, mom, people’s judgment
if you are those people who have good relation with your mom, i’m totally happy for you. i don’t know what it’s like because i don’t have a good relation with my mom.
she tries to be a good mom. she really does try, as much as she can when she feels like it. she loves her children, that i don’t doubt. but love doesn’t always translate to good parenting. she is loving but not lovable nor likable.
so when people judge me for my lack of affection towards her, my reply usually is ‘please don’t judge when you know nothing’. simply because she gave birth to me, it doesn’t automatically make me feel tender towards her. she was mean sometimes, and often times embarrassed me on purpose. i don’t know how to love that person.
a friend of mine lost her mother to cancer. after the funeral, my mom asked how i would have felt if i had been in that place. my response lacked consideration, and was cruel. it obviously showed that i would be affected the very least possible.
it isn’t true. i would be very affected. but not as much as it should be. i have no regret of not being affectionate towards her. we don’t deserve each other.
i am neither grateful nor spiteful for having her in my life.
coffee in a glass at secret recipe
finally, i found you.
cakes at this place are also divineeeeee
Tolerance
Tolerance (n.) willingness to accept behaviour and beliefs which are different from your own, although you might not agree with or approve of them [cambridge advanced learner’s dictionary]
ช่วงนี้เป็นบ้า จุดเดือดต่ำถึงต่ำมาก แทนที่อายุมากจะเย็นลง กลับเดือดกว่าเดิม ลาวาเทียบไม่ติด ใครแต่งประโยคมา ไม่มี verb หรือ verb ไม่ผันตาม subject เจอเทศน์ยาวเหยียด
ชั้นกลายเป็นครูไหวไปแร้วว
ไม่ได้ไป little home ตั้งแต่จบมัธยม สาขาตรงวรจักรยังอยู่มั้ยเนี่ย อยากกิน pancake เลยไปสาขาใกล้บ้าน โหย เดี๋ยวนี้จานละ 100 เชียวเรอะ ค่าเงินบาทต่ำสุดๆ จะทำเองก็ไม่มีปัญญา ฝีมือเข้าครัวห่วยแตก แมงสาบยังเมิน เอาวะ ทำตัวรวยซักวัน
นั่งกินไปเรื่อยๆ ก็มี e ป้าเดินเข้ามาทำลายความสงบ she เดินมาพร้อมเสียงบ่น “กลิ่นอะไรเนี่่ย ไม่ชอบเลย” มันกลิ่นสมุนไพรค่ะป้า “อย่าเอามาใช้อีกนะ ชั้นไม่ชอบ” เอ่อ ป้ามีสิทธิไรไปสั่งเค้าคะ แล้ว she ก็เลยเดินไปนั่งอีกฝั่งแต่ยังบ่นต่อไปอีกเป็นนาที ถึงจะนั่งไกลกัน แต่เดซิเบลของหล่อนก็เดินทางไปทั่วร้าน “ไข่ทอดสุกๆ นะ แฮมคราวที่แล้วแข็งเกินไป บลา บลา บลา” มันก็ไม่ผิดปกติอะไรหรอก เราอยากกินอะไรก็บอกร้านเค้าได้ แต่มันไม่จบแค่นั่นสิ “เปลี่ยนแก้วน้ำด้วย ชั้นไม่ชอบแก้วเล็กๆ ไปเอาแก้วสูงมาเปลี่ยน แล้วไม่เอาน้ำแข็งก้อนใหญ่นะ ชั้นจะเอาน้ำแข้งก้อนเล็ก” โห ป้าคะ ถ้า particular ขนาดนี้ สั่งเด็กที่บ้านให้ทำดีกว่ามั้ย อย่าออกมากินข้าวนอกบ้านเลย เข้าใจคำว่าบริการ กับ รับใช้ สลับกันรึเปล่าวะคะ
ด่า e ป้าอยู่ในใจ แล้วก็ระลึกขึ้นมาได้ว่าเราไปใส่เกือกอะไรเรื่องเค้าฟ่ะ จุดรับความแตกต่างเราต่ำเตี้ยได้ขนาดนี้ ซักวันคงได้ปล่อยลูกตบสายฟ้าออกมาเป็นแน่ ธรรมะเข้าไม่ถึง ปลง ปลง ปลง
ใครมีคาถาใจเย็น ช่วยส่งให้ที I’ll be eternally grateful
self conscious or inadequate
have you ever felt … intimidated when stepping into a high-end shop? i do. the shop looks so clean, spacious and organized from the outside. it should be inviting but i feel inhibited… to step inside.
i never have a high-end bag in my entire life. lately, i feel like buying one. maybe because of the age. being older [not wiser, though], i get a strange feeling of buying something … sophisticated. that’s not the right word but i can’t think of a better one right now. i have pondered over the bags for months. the lack of courage, or more like self confidence, to put one foot after another into the shop makes it harder than expected.
it sounds silly. i’m aware of that. what am i afraid of? a shop assistant biting my head off? i shall diminish the feeling of inadequacy and go check it out.
someday.
balenciaga giant city
a glass of coffee
click the image to link to the original photo
i feel like having a cup of coffee in a glass. no coffee places, at least not the ones in my neighborhood, use coffee glasses. not starbucks, wawee, nor dean & deluca. they all come in a beautiful white ceramic coffee mug. i wanna sip it from a glass.
i had the pleasure of enjoying a cup of joe in a glass once. it was a small, not much bigger than a shot glass. the barista poured a portion of sweetened condense milk first, then added coffee or tea till it reached a quarter inch from the rim. the glass showed off its beautiful layers; white from the condensed milk and brown from the coffee. it was even prettier with the orange color if you ordered tea. to me, it tasted heavenly (totally biased) but of course, it really did with the companion of congee and fried dough (pa tong ko – in thai). the crisp morning air, the atmosphere of the morning market in a country, people giving food to the monks. everything contributed to this lovely memorable glass of caffeine.
i don’t quite understand why, in the city, they don’t serve coffee in glass. it gives different feel – good difference – at least to me. there should be an option; glass or mug, same as tall or grande, soy milk or fat-free. do they afraid that glass will break easier and more frequently? a thick glass should be, i think, as durable as a mug. besides, when i was at that coffee shack in the upcountry, i didn’t witness any glass breaking scene. are people or baristas in the city clumsier than those in the countryside? i think not.
i miss that little coffee shack (or hut) i went with my family during songkran. not the place per se but the atmosphere, and definitely the coffee glass.
sadness, nostalgia, and saying goodbye
sadness is my friend. when it leaves, nostalgia takes its place.
i hate saying goodbye. people, things, everything come and go, i am aware of that. i still have difficulty letting go. i like exploring, yet i like things the way they are.
teaching is what i do, is what i like best at the moment. at the end of each semester, i feel hollow, like a part of me is dying, like a part of my life has closed its curtain.
it’s so sad i just wanna cry. tears don’t make me feel better but i can’t stop crying.
the beginning is nebulous. the end is melancholy. as the world turns, i am standing still and alone.
the soul of you
I’m falling head over head with your soul, your tenderness. I never realized till now. Your mind is exactly what I long for. I don’t want you, not corporal you. I want the one with your heart and soul that are ready and willing to love me. You are what I wish for, the love that takes only minute to fall in.
Sierra in the Rain 