good effort does not amount to good job

i like my classes. i prepare the lessons carefully. i always think what my students should learn. i want them to improve and progress. 

then i was evaluated. when people were in my classroom to judge me, i froze. i couldn’t focus. i forgot what to say, what lessons i should teach my students. things went downhill since they appeared in front of the door. 

and my students suffered. they were the ones who suffered. they were not educated as much as they were expected to. i skipped a lot of materials simply because i could neither concentrate nor speak correctly. at that point, i was not qualified to educate anyone.

i’m immeasurably sad right now. 

my life is ruined. i ruined my life

i dug my own grave

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