my wishful thinking


no matter how grudgingly i feel about teaching, i might finally have to admit that it’s the only job i can get. 

that doesn’t sound right coming from a tutor, i know. a good one should/is expected to bestow the wisdom to those enthusiastic young learners. i want to be like that. i try to be like that. as ridiculous as it sounds, i find myself unable to control the ambience in the classroom. 

whether my day is high or low, it’s up to the students. when they are more silent than a wall, despite the effort on my side, i become very emotionally depleted. when they are responsive, even not being nudged by me, i feel like flying. i feel so helpless when things are not under my control even though i run the class. 

i like teaching when i am not the only one talking like a lunatic in the class. i try to get students to participate more. sometimes i succeed. more often than not, i don’t. and that is quite discouraging. 

money is also the problem. the pay is lower than the underworld. i can make ends meet but i can’t eat what i want. i can’t have a cup of starbucks as much as i crave anymore. 

why starbucks? why paying for such high-priced coffee? isn’t there a starbucks substitute nearby? 

of course, it doesn’t have to be starbucks but it is so good i want to marry it. i don’t wish for a sky-high salaried job, only the one that allows me to drink starbucks freely. this job doesn’t permit me to do that. 

so it all comes down to money. i would be much happier if a tutor wage were decent; a wish that’s not gonna come true.


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